3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
