How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
