I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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