My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
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