Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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