Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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