I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
