I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize