If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
