the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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