I cannot find my penis.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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