I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
