Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't deserve a penis
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
