does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
