You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
