Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
