I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
