Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize