Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
