he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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