how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
