I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
