Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
