I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
