After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So vagazzling was a success
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
