Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
