you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my shit smells like andre
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
