Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
