So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
