Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
