My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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