I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize