My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
you had me at cake vodka
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
