WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
