Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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