One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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