I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
