drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
smell my finger.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
