i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
