I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
