I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
