we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
