dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I could fuck to npr.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
