Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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