In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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