I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
