guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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