I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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