I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
