WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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