I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
