he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
