Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
