Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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